Be careful what you wish for. We all know this expression and yet sometimes we wish for something, we don’t get it, and in the end it’s the best thing that ever could have happened to us. When I first separated from my ex I didn’t want a relationship. I simply wanted to sow my oats, to feel desired again and to have fun. Of course, within 2 months I met someone (let’s call him N) and we dated seriously on-and-off for almost two years. Yes, he was younger. Yes, he was immature. Yes, he wasn’t as educated or sophisticated as I am (stop laughing).
But we fell in love or lust, or lust turned to love. I was blinded by being wanted and the great sex (duh). But we made something out of nothing, until we couldn’t. He moved in. He got cold feet. He lost the ability to communicate and that was that.
At this point, Mr. Delicious was around 5. Old enough to remember him, but young enough to still forget. THANK GOODNESS. Of course, I was devastated. It was awful. I’d given everything to this relationship only to get nothing back in return. At the time I was inconsolable. It took me months to get back on the horse, so to speak, and yet, now, almost 4 years later, this failure was the best thing to happen to my relationship with Mr. Delicious.
I think back to how much of me was spent being given to N. And how much I didn’t have to give to my child. What would my relationship with Mr. D be like now if things had worked out with N? Certainly a far cry from the beautiful and special one we have now. I would have been only partially present during those formative years and I would have missed so much time with him. It’s possible, and likely, he would have resented me. It’s definitely likely I wouldn’t appreciate the person he’s become and becoming. I would have been too distracted to enjoy his maturity, wit and kindness. He might not be the gentleman he is today or the foodie. We might not have our nights reading Harry Potter on the couch. He might not ask me to lie with him in bed to confide in me or ask me the most pressing life questions for a 9-year old. We probably wouldn’t have traveled together, just the two of us. I’ll never know, but I am so thankful for not getting what I thought I wanted.
And I don’t think I would know myself if things had gone differently. I’m a far cry from the person I was a few years ago. I’m so much more confident, strong and assured. Let’s be honest, I would not be the bad ass I am today. Truth.
I don’t believe all things happen for a reason (there’s too much evil and awful for this to be the case). I don’t believe in God or fate, but sometimes I do think the universe knows what it’s doing. Of course, at the time, I wished for this relationship to be my last. But I’m so glad it wasn’t. Because when I do find someone special and worthy of holding that title, I’ll have an awesome little boy by my side to lead the way. And that is one relationship that is rock solid.