(Warning: If you’re at all modest and don’t have any sex toys (well, I feel sorry for you), you may want to bypass this post.)
Last week tragedy struck my happy home. My mack daddy, best-of-the-best, guaranteed-to-get-me-off-in-10-seconds, vibrator died. Well, it didn’t just die, it blew up. Shorted out, sparked and smoked. Yes you can laugh. I did. And then I cried.
For any of you who’s seen the Sex in the City episode where Samantha uses her toy to provide vibrations for Miranda’s baby so he could sleep, you’ll know the model I speak of. Mine was a wedding present (!) from a close friend who went with me to one of those Passion parties. And for about 12 years it’s been by my side, in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, well, you get the idea. And let’s be honest, the toy lasted longer than my marriage. The Hitachi Magic Wand Personal Massager is billed as just that, a massager, but one look tells you all you need to know about this special device.
Picture this: there I am settling in for a quick session. I plug in my pal (batteries would never be powerful enough for this thing) and slip it under the duvet. I press the power button and the next thing I hear is a pop, I feel heat on my hand (just my hand – THANK GOD) and smell smoke. When I lift the covers, I see the cord has been bent at the base and is completely black. I could have caught my bed on fire. I could have caught other things on fire. I was lucky. And yet, I’m so very sad.
But the holidays are here and I think since I’ve been naughty Santa should bring me a replacement. That’s how this Santa stuff works, right?